Thank God summer is over so we can stop terrorizing vaginas

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There’s much to love about the start of fall. Apple picking! Pumpkin carving! And, if we’re really lucky, maybe everyone will finally stop talking about vaginas so damn much.

Summer’s always a big time for bikini-line anxiety, but these past few months have been pure insanity for women’s nether regions. Let us review:

Glitter bombs

Bye-bye, vajazzling — hello, glitter. In July, Gynecologists warned against using glitter capsules designed to “glitter bomb” a vagina, cautioning that the tiny flakes could cause bacterial infections and irritation.

Wasps nests

Also advised against Wasp nests. A since-removed Etsy listing offered a paste made of crushed wasp nests, which the seller claimed could tighten the vagina and improve a woman’s sex life. Don’t try it.

Bikini bling


Beachtails, a line of chain-metal jewelry meant to hang from the crotch of a bikini bottom, sound tame in comparison. Crafted in Japan, the baubles made the Internet rounds earlier this month.

Goop-debunking gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter weighed in on the south-of-the-border bling on Twitter. Her verdict: While the chains look uncomfortable, they likely won’t cause harm.

Still, wearing sparkly bikini tassels to the beach seems risky for another reason: glitz-grabbing seagulls.

 

V-luminizer

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Perfect V

The Perfect V, a Copenhagen, Denmark-based line of high-end skin-care products for “down there,” launched stateside in August. Founder Avonda Urben tells The Post that she saw a white space in the market: There are hundreds of beautiful, luxury facials creams, but very few for what she calls the “V.” Sure, some exist to solve a nasty problem, such as itchiness or bumps — but “there’s no pampering,” Urben says. “I always thought it was a little strange.”

So she developed her eight-product line, which includes a cleanser, tightening serum, mist and more, plus a much-mocked luminizer: a shimmer cream for the area that’s exposed when wearing a bikini or lingerie. Urben says that the products aren’t meant to make women feel bad about their nether regions, but rather “empowered” to control how they look.

“I think every woman’s V is perfect,” says Urben. “Your V’s perfect, mine is perfect. It can be as perfect as you want it to be.”

She adds, “If that makes me a nonfeminist, that’s crazy. It’s so empowering.”

Vagina manicures


Want to share your V-love with the rest of the world? Paint one on your nails, complete with glitter, rhinestones, and tiny strands of hair. If the obsession shows no sign of stopping, at least it’s migrating north.

Here’s hoping the cooler weather brings reason — and pants.